The question I hear most often when I enter a store –
‘Que busca, muchacha?’ Or ‘What are you searching for, miss?’
– feels adept to turn towards myself.
Every evening, reflexively, the thought pops into my mind.
Que busca muchacha?
At first I found it a sweet amusing supplement to my post-day reflections, but I realized that it comes into my evening as a sort of sunset to ponder upon – something to ask myself. Why am I here in Costa Rica? What is it I search for, that I won’t find elsewhere?
My current living space might begin to offer insight to that. Up a long dirt road in the jungle, a house powered by solar energy with an open floor plan that gives it the feel of an upscale tree-house. The wooden windows and siding all open up onto a wrap-around porch, and well-built – without any sour notes of shackdom stressed upon it. Down below, my neighbors, kind of loud and yet, kind and compassionate – the father often belowing an amazing sound that is somewhere between a laugh and a sigh, never failing to make me smile. All around us? Pure, unadulterated, jungle.
I feel so at home it’s strange – and yet, all my imagination as a child was filled with jungle and tropical places, so it’s only the reality of having arrived that has shoes to fill.
All that bothered me wherever else I’ve lived in Costa Rica is manageable here. I am able to deal with it whereas before it was too much. Thanks to nature, of course, blocking and absorping the energy which would otherwise make it impossible to not feel like I wanted to run away or worse, fight back. That’s been a big part of my journey here actually – standing up for myself when people try to take advantage or are disrespectful uneccesarily. Very freeing, knowing when to speak up, to say NO, to speak what feels right and express without any any concern whatsoever the feelings which the other person is only asking recieve.
Do I really feel like I’m searching? Well, not really. I’m here because I already have the inner-knowing inside. It’s my guide. I was brought here by a friend, with no plans and no expectations – and always a quest. Before I left, I wondered why and what, but I didn’t have any time after I landed to even think about THOSE sorts of quandries – immediately, I was swept into a major thing and the rest moved along, until now. Those 9 first months brought me into karmic situations with so many people, including myself and my family – it was intense. Along with this work, everything that had ever occured in ill-health erupted like the many volcanoes embracing this very place, leaving me totally depleted in a way which required my total focus and attention every day. Then, I paid a visit all the way home, to wrap up whatever of all that remained to be addressed.
And now, I’m again here, a much lighter person in many respects, and thoughtfully pondering all that occured with new clarity. New visions have emerged, and a deeper observance of ‘myself’ – as we refer to our mental-emtional and reactional states – is very prominent and obvious. The reasons for being here are more purified, and after going through so much, it’s easier for me to understand a way of living that before I took with more strain, less ease and adaptability. I feel extremely connected here, and also grounded. I’m so used to this lifestyle: this simplicity has only freed me from a formerly over mentalized way of living, illuminating a thoughtlessness unbound in any way by the influences of people, places, or namely, society. My body is no longer punished, abandoned, or undervalued as I used to do unconsciouslly thinking my mind was important, more important I mean. I see my mind needs security and wants to roll a certain way, so I observe it but always allow for insight and feeling, no longer letting judgement and intense scrunity manifest the next move, and the next.
No. I’m slowly, slowly, and even more slowly, learning what it is to let go – to let the inner-being EMERGE! In this I find joy, peace, and most importantly, my life’s purpose. True I have my desires and my little ways, but I love them all without judgement, and I’m not going to let the aspects which feel greedy or negligent govern whatever direction is meant to be – I just know that would be unpleasant in the long run.
If I answer the question, Que busca muchaha?, it would not be too wrong to say that I’m searching through nature’s precious manifestions for a greater knowing and peace. I want more of my gifts to manifest so that I am able to peer more deeply into the truth, but also be a valuable aid and expression for the sake of all beings. Love – 100% that. 🌄❣🙏🏼🌻🌈. OM