In this world, from the moment most of us see the light, we ironically start to disconnect from the Light within. This light, which governs our very soul – the essence of our primordial nature, the nature of the Universe – radiates from our baby hips, our baby lips, our baby thighs and mouth, but is slowly creased out of us with each folded pant leg as we grow old.
It’s unfortunate that we aren’t encouraged to explore our Inner Being as we let go of babyhood into youth, but it’s the way of the the world in most cases. Yet, this pant-splitting, know-it-all voice of our forebearers causes serious disonance with our inner voice, making living in this world a sometimes very ethereal or too physical reality – at least that’s the wall I tend to run into over the years. Drinking up that heavenly medicine until I’m nearly out of my body, and then grounding energy so intensly I get lost and nearly chanined by my own consequential reality in the obseqiousness of 3D Life.
I can’t tell you the feeling of knowing you’re doing it to yourself, and contiuning to chase your own tail because it’s the practical, easier, safer, or more navigable way of life.
I’ve been raised with a LOT of discipline. So, when I feel passionate or naturally inspired and move forward into a creative agenda, this very masculine, must-do role overwhelms the love I feel for the instrinsic act or very essence of whatever it might be, and I become Paralyzed. Frozen between Passion and Discpline. Wanting to Rest in the Womb of Creation, but Acting REBELLIOUS towards that shadowy voice of doom that says, Do This, Do That, and in That Order. And then, I sink clawing into a hole of neglect and abandonment for aspects of my being, one over another, at different times. Lot of hours are wasted spinning where I could be producing, inspired, focused, learning, or creating in many ways.
If a seed becomes a flower, the life inside the bursting bundle of what is to be a unique expression of many is largely left to its own devices. Human hands may tend to it this way, or that way, a little support when it’s small, a bit of care-taking as it grows, a degree of maintanence once it reaches its peak – but no instructions are imparted; it’s very independent in finding its full blossom. How now did a fear develop of humans being so inadequately able to conquer their own independent role as a vital and uniquely integrated aspect of the whole, that they were largely punished and whipped by the dogma of society from basically Day 1?
Yes, yes, I know over the years people and groups of power have PURPOSELY forbidden many secret documents, teachings, and rituals containing sacred information from the People. But I’m speaking on a larger and more INTIMIATE context, concerning our own PERSONAL growth in confrontation with the consorts of our OWN reality. I’m speaking about the one we bind ourselves in, day after day, year after year, and life after life – until we make a change.
I’m speaking out at this particular time because this past Full Moon is really giving me the karmic loop syndrome of revisiting this old game: I have HAD IT with all this effort only to end up in such a pigeonholed place! It’s been a real challenge balancing being ground AND walking in the Light of my spirit. Like many yogis, I loved the magic of living in the Spirit realm, being in the Bhav, and staying connected with practices to a thread of vital essence that really is the link between spirit and body – the meaning of the word SunSum entirely. But after many years, I started to feel this disconnect between the world I was living and the world around me, and I felt quite estranged from reality! Not only that, but my body wasn’t working correctly for YEARS – often low temperature, losing hair, no menstration OR interest in sexuality, instability with parents, fear of survival: namely a severe imbalance in my lower chakras. I was convinced all that mattered was my mind – or not my mind – a spectrum within but beyond/through my mind under the encapsulating lure of meditation. It wasn’t until the ‘ultimate’ advanced program in the ashram – 4 years after I started my yoga teacher training – that I finally understand the incredible possibilities offered by the body as well to explore the Within, the Beyond, and the ultimate Surrender. But, despite that localized knowledge, being in an environment that is crafted and created to illuminate us beyond the boundaries is a secluded and remote to immersion in Society. Ultimately, I recognized my life was calling for an immersion in the world, not a separation. And so began the strong and intentional work of grounding – which has been and will probably always be a greatest challenge in the realm of all things.
I came here, to Costa Rica, because I was invited and needed to use up some miles that were about to expire. I had no plans of living here initially, and also had no IDEA that my growth would become so profound by remaining and exploring the depths of my soul in this place. In India, I was not soul searching, nor was I grounding. I was 100% focused and commited to my yogic practices, and spent 3-5 hours each morning in Asanas, Kriyas, Meditation, and often Mantras. I was so intent on perfecting my ritual that I left little room for my soul essence to grow or be nurtured – I just wanted to experience the peaks of bliss and cast away the valleys of sorrow that had slept beside me and chained me to my youth. I was learning from other ascended beings or enlightened persons – and that was my quest as well. My misperception of grounding was to be REGULAR, not to experience the soliliqies of meditation, the intensity of sadhana, and the magic yoga can create inside. I was so perplexed by being in a world filled with Physicallity – inclusive of my own self – if all this work was meant to trasncend form. But I still so loved the things in life that make it tasty, beautiful, delicious, fresh, exciting, unusual – everything that we DO experience through our five senses, and a beyondness which is palpable sometimes of the other dimensions. This dissonance within myself, of wanting to be freed from this body, but enjoying what I had experienced in its dimensions, created a rift in my understanding of life and initiation in thePROCESS – obscuring my clarity, without a doubt.
In a ceremony a few months ago, a friend I had recently met and I happened to be partners for this parituclar exercise. We sat across from each other and after sometime with the exercise, started to share what was streaming through our conscious minds. This beautiful girl has just spent 3 months in the jungles of Peru, learning plant medicine with an ancient Abuela, and is also a bit of the clairvoyent sort. First, she was surprised by how much ‘forrest energy’ i have – like my whole inner-being gleaned with the light of tall reaching trees. I am a bit of a fairy type, and often dance in the forrests and within the trees, which is not a practice most people see. Next, she mentioned something that both horrified and astounded me, and which I am still trying to allow into my conscious life this very minute. Discpline, she said, is written in your every cell, and in your every breath – stop planning what you are doing and what you think you need to do, and just follow the flow of your heart- you’ll get everything you need done without all the rules!
Shocking!! How can I let go of the discipline I have come to know as the stucture which holds my life?? How can I trust my feelings and surrender to the emotions which cause me to do one thing or another, all while justifying it under the umbrella art of practicality and a responsible lifestyle? There was a time when I could not trust my emotions. When my mind was etched with deep struggle of surrending to my soul’s kneading yearings, but confronting reality and all its demons in a hamonious way. I felt totally overwhelmed in relationships with partners, family, friends, society, but most of all – myself. But I have to let all that go – because I did my work, and am still doing it, but I already let go the biggest parts of myself that were keeping me from being me! So now it’s just my mind, imprinted with these patterns, these grooves, of disharmony – looking over my shoulder and judging my every step. I am realizing that I am mean to me! I honor and respect my family, ancestors, students, teachers, all of society let’s say (in a rudiementary way) often more than I love and accredit myself.
Isn’t this true with most of us? We are such an interesting breed – positioned to be forcefully happy but always struggling inside with out desires, our wants and our needs, our tantrums and our stampedes of money, partners, travel, land, business, creativity, hearing, expressing, loving, being loved, internally a mix of anything but harmony. *Sratch scratch*
What is going on here? Why aren’t we all able to find what we need, to listen to ourselves, to respect our bodies and tailor our minds so – with all due respect – they listen to our hearts and sync up under the confines of life to find liberty, for health’s sake! Which brings me back – back to the body, to being fit and healthy and able to RECIEVE life’s gifts for our wants and needs and yearnings at a SOUL LEVEL. Let us abandon our negligent thoughts and patterns and open up to Love, not expect boundaries to tighten our belts or hamper or way. In time, indefinitely, we can find what we seek, but the seeking must be active. Magic is not glorified, because each one finds it within his or her own power. Magic is not relevant, to those never reeling at the disatisfaction or intrigue of their heart and soul and eternal being. And that’s just fine.
But for me, Costa Rica has brought me more into my magic, thanks to the Earth and the final recognition of MY Earth that is my body. Wow, it took me a long time, and I have died and died again to allow it – and am still dying as I continually recongnize and uncover the past, not to mention dark forces at play that often meddle and try to comandeer me. But, how to see and transcend these problems that arise? For that, you listen to a voice inside you which FEELS instead of TELLS, a dialogue of your inner soul etched between each breath that rises and falls, like the sun and moon rises and sets, offering you the opportunity to renew, to act upon a directon which calls you in this moment. Being present – it’s all we have. Trusting our insights, listening to our instinct, observing our emotions and reactions, and witnessing the play of life around us. It always time and time again comes down to trust, surrender, listening, and moving forward in that direction – not the one we’ve done time and time before that brought us back to the same place we are now. That’s not working for us anymore. We’re different now. And we have to honor that. For One nation, One body, and One breath, I challenge you to let go of your ideas, and act spontaneously as your soul calls for you to do. Had I not done that just now, you wouldn’t be reading this post 😉.
So let’s commit to it – a lifestyle challenge. But in this one, we offer our minds to our bodies, and let our intentions written deep in our soul reveal themselves in every breath. In this way we can maybe find what life is asking us to offer – to ourselves, to others, and of course, back to the Earth itself.
For my sisters and brothers and to all my relations – Mitakuye Oyasin. Blessings to walk in peace, love, and great intensinty on your grand endeavors. We are all with you, we are all One. Live in empowerment! Life awaits.
Part 1: Arrival
I love living in the jungle, don’t get me wrong. The jungle isn’t to blame for my recent frustrations and feelings of intense rumination. HOWEVER, the jungle DEMANDS a high amount of intesity and activity just to survive, which isn’t easy if you’re a single woman living alone in the mountain with no transportation of her own!
But 1) That wasn’t the original intention, and 2) I’m not the only one! The women of Puerto Viejo are tough, independent, beautiful, and edgy because of the valiant lifestyle we lead. So, feeling a little PRESSED with the timelessness – feasbily unmeasurable next to peers and age itself – I’m going to expound on the grim, dirty, and unforseeable means in which we lurk within our neverendingly enchanting rainforest – do or die trying.
Let’s start with the basics we’re all involved with on some level:
Food, Laundry, Mobility, Cleaning
And then the sort of implied, but nevertheless differential outliers:
Jungle life makes you work your @ss off for each and every endeavor – leading, of course, to more appreciation and a more selective life. I was initally drawn to this part of Costa Rica partly because most people use bikes as their main source of transport, and after 10 months of relying on my feet and the bus schedule, I was really up for more independence.
Buying a bike was fairly easy, and biking was a joy for the first few months — then it became a bit tiring. Physically, it’s a lot of energy to exert during “summertime” – hot and steamy days of quality sun. During the 4th month here, biking became burdensome, with my hips constanly tight, my low back always aching. I was spending way too much time in the morning working my yoga postures just to undue the pain from the previous day’s ride.
Biking is fine for vacation, but when you need to do regular things, without having exercise being the main energy-draining activity, it becomes trying. I was searching for normally priced, comfrotable place to live long-term during HIGH season in one of the most popular vacation spots in the country. Because tourists will pay so much more, this was a serious challenge. Over 3 months, I creatively searched and messaged countless people, and at the end of it all, found about 8 places availalbe. All these places, I had to visit on my bike.
Like many people, I generally prefer to leave home once the afternoon crawls past 2’oclock onwards – a bit more cooler and manageable. Unless I wanted to get up extra early and forgo my morings – involing yoga, meditation, and space in silence, the crux of my job and involvement being here – I have a 3-4 hour window available for all out-of-the-house needs, including my appoinments. Stretched along the ocean, Puerto Viejo extends both directions, and instead of being able to visit different places like you easily would in a vehicle, you essentially have to choose which direction you’re going for the day to make it feasible.
Three months after I began my search, I finally found a clean, normal-priced, and homey place to live for 9 months, thank god! My new home was up the mountain – not as hilly as the initial place i lived – but the couple who was renting it to me had a moto to get around. Living here at this point for 14 months, I planned to find a used scooter to make it possible for me to stay at this wonderful space. I needed a break from biking! I had tripped the week before, twisting my ankle – and had to stop biking. I pushed through the pain until walking was equally bad. Moving my stuff on my poor, disjointed ankle was a STRONG message that I needed to rest and go deeper into my body.
I spent the first 9 days in my jungle abode juicing, cleansing, resting, and listening. No worries – Pura Vida – this was a time to recalibrate and rejuvinate for the next step. Except for the fact that I was totally alone, in the jungle, no mobility, and completely uncertain of what I would do next. I was in no position to do anything other than tune-in and discover what the jungle offered.