Posts Tagged: love

Just Let Me Have My Breakdown

The problem with our culture, or society in general, is that people want you to smile. So, everyday, we paint our faces with pleasantry and take a hike into our cities, pueblos, communities, or even groups of friends,  hiding our true emotions. It’s a rough game to play, since on one hand, we can’t upset the neighborhood with our sadness, frustration, anger, guilt, agony, repent, or the current whirlwind of an emotional ballgame we’re experiencing. On the other hand, the opportunity to be real and vulnerable with others is a huge release, and might end up helping breakdown the facade others are experiencing. As someone put it, ‘when you show up fully, it allows me to show up’. 

If a group of people are hanging out watching a band but no one’s dancing, and it’s clear people kind of want to dance, one person getting up and freely expressing themselves usually opens the portal for anyone whose antsy to move to join them! This is a common thing in our lives, known as Birds of a Feather. It’s a group mentality, when people do what they actually suppress their longings in order to cooperate with an unspoken decision a crowd has determined to fit in and be ‘like-minded’. But truly, there’s much more freedom and joy when people express authentically! 
I am a pretty gosh darn pleasant person to be around most of the time, so when I’m going through an intense period of life that basically makes me feel like I’m losing all identity, all sturcture and routine, and crumbling into nothing, I want to be allowed to do it. Usually, I keep to myself during these epochs, knowing that life is a constant cycle of death and rebirth, and whatever it is (which is often undefinable) is just part of letting go of the aspects of myself I cling to which made me feel safe. However, the past two ‘breakdowns’ I’ve had, which were highly warranted if i told you all about what led up to them, I’ve been around people. 

Anyone who’s worked with people on an emotional level, be it a psychological or spiritual level, knows that if someone’s crying or having a moment, it’s important to let them have it…it’s a beautiful opportunity to release much of the emotion we’ve held in our bodies for however long, and eventually, the tears will flow into softness. And, really, it’s kind of a gift to be in that space where we can just let it out. Some people can cry when the affected situation torments them, but usually, we’re in a public sphere, where it feels inappropriate to cry or react, so we swallow those emotions and keep them inside. This builds and builds, and will eventually explode through an external situation, or release through a sort of body-mind modality – or a good party. But the worst, is when someone cuts into your experience by telling you to shut it off. 

Don’t cry. Man up. Smile. Everything’s going to be okay, you’ll see. Don’t do this to yourself. Step up! 

….You know, I really am NOT in a space that feels that way.

I feel like my world is falling apart. I feel like I’m crumbling into no one. I don’t know what’s happening. I don’t even know if it’s about me…. 

So P L E A S E, JUST LET ME HAVE MY BREAKDOWN!

A friend of my refers to this as a ‘shamanic death’, an interesting way to say it which i really understand. It’s like a forest fire burning the land to make room for new growth. In its path may be houses, may be people, may be animals, and there is suffering that relentlessy shakes the life which burns. Indubitable loss, but after all that, life. If you are able to see that what feels like a complete breakdown is an opportunity to deeply surrender into what is waiting to grow within you, then you can full on ride the wave down to the bottom – with little effort to curtail its trajectory. I know that after many of these cycles, a newness and renewal awakens, which is actually better than the me I knew before.  

I know we want to support our friends or people we meet, and the tendency to comfort them or lessen their sufffering comes naturally. But truly, personal relief comes most simply from another’s presence. This term we know in the spiritual terrain as ‘holding space’. Literally, the listener connects with heartspace, or offers their ear empathically, without interrupting or giving advice or in any way curtailing an experience the person is relieving – up to a certain point. Another person can definitely honor a space, but also recognize the member in crisis is cycling into a memory or emotion so hard like it’s an unstoppable thing that isn’t being helped with their vanity. But, by asking or noticing if the person is triggered or having a particular experience that in the moment, just letting it happen lends vital aid to a ‘healing crisis’. It’s valuable to recognize that doing ‘nothing’ is the most profound support we can offer. Cutting our friends off insinuates that it’s not okay to be vulnerable in their peers’ presence. When we hold it in, we know that a serious crisis is a possibility in the long-run. Just be there. 

For those of you experiencing this breakdown right now, know we are together in it. There are things that affect global consciousness that are very painful, and which most of us actually experience whether or not we know. Speaking up about what you’re going through may help alleviate someone else’s suffering as well, and opens the door for a conversation where we can come together to work through the current ocean of mixed madness. Be kind to yourself, and honor where you are, without trying to surpress your emotions. This way, you’ll move through it more quickly! Maybe find a friend and spend time together, go into nature, and be creative. Dance, write, paint, cut wood, or do listen to music. Just love yourself in the ways you best know how, without trying to escape your own experience. There’s a lesson for you in there. This too will pass if you let it without guilt or shame. 💘🌻⭐️

“So let go

And jump in

Oh well whatcha waiting for

It’s alright

‘Cause there’s beauty in the breakdown

(So let go) yeah let go

And just get in

Oh it’s so amazing here

It’s all right

‘Cause there’s beauty in the breakdown”

-Frou Frou

Projections

It’s never clear what’s going to happen a day in our lives. We may wish or plan for something, but for it to happen it might take a certain strategy better than the one we had before, and that takes effort – how do you maintain your brain? It’s unsatisfying to play the same old role, especially if it depends on others who won’t help you open your perosnal doors to lifexploration and let reality untold unfold in your direction when it feels good.  It’s just not sensical to let life go on in ways that make you feel insane or trapped without reason! 

If you’re going to go insane or be trapped, it better be for a cause you believe in so deeply, whose precoess will allow you a new opening once the shit is gone. But to lie mercilessly to yourself on the same point over and over, a way out is going to be a solemn listless answer. Come hell or high water, why not just get out? It sometimes instigates a little purge (or a big one) that can really turn your life around. 

When it comes down to our bare instincts, we were made to survive. This mode is one that acts on instinct or in the case of fear, desperation. But what is instinct? Instinct is that moment you know, what suddenly feels right in the moment, unflitered and uncompressed. Our moments of instinctual intellect lead to discovery. Intellect of instinct is an awareness that grows with each situation where you allow yourself to trust and be guided by the flow. The flow is what empowers every moment, every breath and every step, and is really what life’s about. 

The flow is not about letting things happen as they come or having no direction. It’s about being fully conscious of our movements though this life with a willingness to bend when things don’t happen ‘as they’re supposed to’ or as we hoped they would. Things going differently present us with an opportunity to engage with this instinct of letting go of formality, and find what’s best for our next move in the moment itself based on all circumstances, and what we know. It’s about undefining the greater part of the question and engaging with the unformidable unknowingness of life itself. It’s in this sweet, pure, innocent state of complete surrender that we find the answer, or see the sign. Often, we are so congested in our own minds, and cannot trust a seperation from the thought process for one sigh of ‘i give up!’, in which life itself presents an opportunity which changes our mind from Lost to Found. 

In these coming days, we will be presented with a myraid of opportunity expressed around sound, and it is up to us to listen. If you’re doing for yourself, see how you can expand that intention or idea to reach a larger community . If you’re already doing for the greater good, prepare to hold hands and make ties on many projects that will come to grow as you loosen your projections that you never worked through or failed to remember. Just observe without feeling the need of conquer any tests. 

Most importantly, start telling people around you who care deeply for you and who you also feel close to where you feel blessed by their support. If you feel comforted, confident, inspired, loved, and helped in their presece – let them know! An attitude of compassion and recognizition of others’ light will also help bring out the light in you and help both of you grow. This is not a good time to dawdle or play games with yourself or in relationships, especially if you really want to KNOW. Knowingness comes from looking within to our needs and commitments, not harboring avarice towards or holding onto others’ advice as we wind swifly down this road. Tune into your OWN needs. This is not a time to be rude or play mindgames, because it won’t enhance our creativity, which is how we really create fresh opportunity to grow in a DIFFERENT way. Stay open and commint to whatevercomes into your path when it feels like what you’ve been waiting for. Hint: if it feels right. Sometimes, often, it won’t look how we imaged, but our imagination merely relies upon the past for information and isn’t always favorable when it’s time to grow.

Let youself be if you need to be, and go if you need to go – but honor your dreams at the start of this new season! Don’t be afriad to not know what’s coming, because if your intentions are pure and your heart truly seeks to become empty of all hate so it might flower into a spiral of love, you will be kissed by the divine in all the right places. You are here to grow, but it’s essential to fine-tune what you know and admit what you don’t! In this way you can engage, empower, and benefit from what you already know, and let yourself be free of the fear or overwrought conclusions in arenas where you don’t. 

So bow down, kiss the Earth, and remember – She, our Mother, has what you need to neccesitate and grow! Searching too much outside yourself will only be a formidable ride on a carousel. You will become confused and lie empty after it all fades away when the night is over. Don’t let your dreams become frustrations… Allow and offer, live and love, bestow and wander. 

🙏🙏🏻🙏🏼🙏🏾🙏🏽🙏🏿  
With grace and sweet stillness,

Holy 🔮

Que Busca, Muchacha?

The question I hear most often when I enter a store – 

‘Que busca, muchacha?’ Or ‘What are you searching for, miss?’ 

– feels adept to turn towards myself. 

Every evening, reflexively, the thought pops into my mind. 

Que busca muchacha? 

At first I found it a sweet amusing supplement to my post-day reflections, but I realized that it comes into my evening as a sort of sunset to ponder upon – something to ask myself. Why am I here in Costa Rica? What is it I search for, that I won’t find elsewhere? 

My current living space might begin to offer insight to that. Up a long dirt road in the jungle, a house powered by solar energy with an open floor plan that gives it the feel of an upscale tree-house. The wooden windows and siding all open up onto a wrap-around porch, and well-built – without any sour notes of shackdom stressed upon it. Down below, my neighbors, kind of loud and yet, kind and compassionate – the father often belowing an amazing sound that is somewhere between a laugh and a sigh, never failing to make me smile. All around us? Pure, unadulterated, jungle. 

I feel so at home it’s strange – and yet, all my imagination as a child was filled with jungle and tropical places, so it’s only the reality of having arrived that has shoes to fill.

 All that bothered me wherever else I’ve lived in Costa Rica is manageable here. I am able to deal with it whereas before it was too much. Thanks to nature, of course, blocking and absorping the energy which would otherwise make it impossible to not feel like I wanted to run away or worse, fight back. That’s been a big part of my journey here actually – standing up for myself when people try to take advantage or are disrespectful uneccesarily. Very freeing, knowing when to speak up, to say NO, to speak what feels right and express without any any concern whatsoever the feelings which the other person is only asking recieve. 

Do I really feel like I’m searching? Well, not really. I’m here because I already have the inner-knowing inside. It’s my guide. I was brought here by a friend, with no plans and no expectations – and always a quest. Before I left, I wondered why and what, but I didn’t have any time after I landed to even think about THOSE sorts of quandries – immediately, I was swept into a major thing and the rest moved along, until now. Those 9 first months brought me into karmic situations with so many people, including myself and my family – it was intense. Along with this work, everything that had ever occured in ill-health erupted like the many volcanoes embracing this very  place, leaving me totally depleted in a way which required my total focus and attention every day. Then, I paid a visit all the way home, to wrap up whatever of all that remained to be addressed.

And now, I’m again here, a much lighter person in many respects, and thoughtfully pondering all that occured with new clarity. New visions have emerged, and a deeper observance of ‘myself’ – as we refer to our mental-emtional and reactional states – is very prominent and obvious. The reasons for being here are more purified, and after going through so much, it’s easier for me to understand a way of living that before I took with more strain, less ease and adaptability. I feel extremely connected here, and also grounded. I’m so used to this lifestyle: this simplicity has only freed me from a formerly over mentalized way of living, illuminating a thoughtlessness unbound in any way by the influences of people, places, or namely, society. My body is no longer punished, abandoned, or undervalued as I used to do unconsciouslly thinking my mind was important, more important I mean. I see my mind needs security and wants to roll a certain way, so I observe it but always allow for insight and feeling, no longer letting judgement and intense scrunity manifest the next move, and the next. 

No. I’m slowly, slowly, and even more slowly, learning what it is to let go – to let the inner-being EMERGE! In this I find joy, peace, and most importantly, my life’s purpose. True I have my desires and my little ways, but I love them all without judgement, and I’m not going to let the aspects which feel greedy or negligent govern whatever direction is meant to be – I just know that would be unpleasant in the long run. 

If I answer the question, Que busca muchaha?, it would not be too wrong to say that I’m searching through nature’s precious manifestions for a greater knowing and peace. I want more of my gifts to manifest so that I am able to peer more deeply into the truth, but also be a valuable aid and expression for the sake of all beings. Love – 100% that. 🌄❣🙏🏼🌻🌈. OM